Suicide Answer to End My Pain

suicide the way to end pain, when you can't hold back the darkness anymore“I am going to kill myself!” I scream at the top of my lungs so the entire house would hear. Tears were streaming down my face, contorted into something barely recognizable human.

The pain within myself was so intense, and I wanted it to stop. I wanted it all to end. In those dark days, suicide was the answer to end the pain.

I tried. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I mean, I am still here, so clearly, I did not have the end goal in my mind as much as I thought. But I wanted my parents to hurt like I was hurting. The only way I could think of was to show them how much I was not kidding.

I am not currently in danger. I don’t want any of my peeps to be worried about me. I am writing about my suicide attempt at age twelve. I am not suicidal now. I have not had any thoughts of suicide in over two years. Yay for therapy and medication!
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in this country. September is Suicide Prevention Month. If you or someone you know has mentioned suicide or who you think may be contemplating ending their life, please call or have them call the following resources:

Toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The service is open to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

The Veterans Crisis Line offers free, confidential support, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.

Call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1

Chat online

Text 838255

Suicide to End Pain

I tried to stop the pain. And for me, that pain was associated with life, and so It makes sense that I would end that particular thing that was causing me so much in the way of pain. That day, and all of the days of my life going forward, I tried in my way.

And I never was able to accomplish that. I suppose it is a good thing. I do believe that I am supposed to be here for some reason. I have always had that voice in my head telling me that there is a reason I exist.

I hope that someone sees or feels some bond when reading this. To know that they are not alone.

Nothing to See Here

Here is what I would like to impress with this particular topic of suicide. I tried to end my life that day. And the next day, I got up and went to school. As if nothing had happened. I learned early on to cover up my pain. Put a smile on my face and go out into the world.

When I went to school, I was not under pressure, the abuse, and the scrutiny I was at home. It was a place that I could sort of breath. The school wasn’t great for me either. No one took notice of me unless they were picking on me. Teachers tend not to notice you unless you raise your hand a lot, which I did not.

Looking back I think people noticed. I thought they didn’t but I am pretty sure that they did. My second-grade teacher took me out to lunch once, came over to the house. Why would she do that if not to check in with me?

No One Questions the Smile

I fell under the radar. I floated around or stomped around, actually, but I got good at putting on that smiley face. The one that showed the world that everything was fine in my life. Because when everything is fine, no one asks questions.

Most people don’t delve deep into what is causing happiness. And when no one asks questions, no responses are given.  I certainly wasn’t going to volunteer any information. I didn’t know what to say. Even if, on occasion, someone would ask, I would brush it aside as ‘no big deal.’

Here is the thing about matters of the mind –  we who have those types of matters are good at hiding the pain. You or someone you know may be hurting so badly, and you won’t ever see their pain until it is too late. And then you will be thinking, ‘What did I miss? They seemed so happy.’

Data on suicide:

  • Suicide was the tenth leading cause of death overall in the United States, claiming the lives of over 47,500 people.
  • Suicide was the second leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 10 and 34, and the fourth leading cause of death among individuals between the ages of 35 and 44.
  • There were nearly two and a half times as many suicides (47,511) in the United States as there were homicides (19,141).

Statistics from NIMH website: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide

My Advice

I normally don’t offer advice in my blog because I don’t have the answers. I only have what I have done, the things that have worked or not worked for me. And not everything works for everyone. There is no cure-all.

If you are considering suicide, reach out to a friend, family, someone, anyone. You may feel alone, but you are not. I have included resources here in my blog. You can google ‘suicide hotline’ too.

If you know someone who is contemplating suicide or you suspect that they are, talk with them. Ask them open-ended questions.  Please encourage them to reach out to a professional. Be there for them.

Statistically speaking you most likely know someone who has had thoughts of suicide, has a plan, has attempted suicide, or who has taken their life.

BLOCK: The average number of suicide deaths per day continues to increase within the general population. The average rose from 86.6 per day in 2005 to 124.4 in 2017 and 127.4 in 2018.

The average number of Veteran suicides per day rose from 16.6 in 2005 to 17.6 in 2018. From 2017 to 2018, the average number of Veteran suicides per day rose from 17.5 to 17.6

Information retrieved from: https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/docs/data-sheets/2020/2020-National-Veteran-Suicide-Prevention-Annual-Report-11-2020-508.pdf

If you are in crisis, call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The service is available to anyone. All calls are confidential. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

The Veterans Crisis Line offers free, confidential support, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Don`t copy text!
%d bloggers like this: